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Posts tagged ‘islam’

“Jannatyaan” – Mission to Paradise

Kapistan, Upgunistan and Jokistan along with other oil rich countries, envious of India’s success of the Mars orbiter “Mangalyaan” launched their own much awaited satellite called “Jannatyaan”, immediately following the news of Mangalyaan’s launch. “Jannatyaan” will explore the relatively unknown planet called “Jannat”. The “Jannat” planet was first discovered by an ancient Arab scientist and was kept as a close guarded secret until this time, known only to the secret society. While “Mangalyaan” is still to enter the orbit of Mars, it is claimed that “Jannatyaan” has already reached the “Jannat” planet’s orbit in record time, just in a day of its launch. Made from special material that resembles the camel skin and propelled by the rarest and special fuel with an efficiency of one million kilometers per liter and only found in the deserts of Arabia, the “Jannatyaan” is the most fuel efficient, most economical, and most sophisticated satellite to be ever developed in the history of mankind, sources claim.

It had been a long quest for many people faithful to BAIT – the coalition of the secret societies of ”Boko Haram”,“Al Qaida”, “ISIS” the new pioneer in space science and defense, and “Taliban” the society of pure students, to explore the “Jannat” planet that was much talked in the close circles of these secret societies. Now that the secret is being openly revealed to the world, the scientists of BAIT claim that the “Jannat” planet is not part of the solar system, but outside of it and much beyond it. Rotating alone on its own axis, “Jannat” is a secluded, beautiful milky planet, millions of miles away from earth and which the world has not known so far. The planet is abode to several million virgin “houris”, the celestial beauties with large black dove eyes, smooth fair milky skin and beautiful bodies. Rivers of milk and honey and wine and whisky and vodka and some desi daroo flow there in, between trees of dates and almonds and raisins and grapes and walnuts. The virgin “houris” on the planet never age, nor do they go through nature’s cycle, BAIT scientists claim. They are pure as pearl, in the words of the BAIT. The BAIT scientists are proud of their achievement and snob that their mission will cover more than million times the distance “Mangalyaan” would cover and costs one tenth the cost of Mangalyaan. Before “Jannatyaan”, “Mangalyaan” will look inferior, BAIT scientists grin. The “Jannatyaan” is capable of taking Hi-Definition 1080 pixel close-up pictures and videos of the “Jannat” planet and the “houris” and other nature’s beauty there, which “Mangalyaan” cannot. The idea behind using such hi-tech technology for photography on the satellite is to send back pictures of “houris” on “Jannat” planet directly to the cell phones of the soldiers of BAIT, the scientist say. BAIT believes that these pictures will motivate the soldiers of the army division of BAIT, who are fighting the non-believers around the world with a belief that one day they will get to see and meet the “houris” of “Jannat” which they are promised if they fight the non-believers and slay them in the fight. BAIT’s soldiers are presently demotivated because they only get to hear about the dove eyed seductive “houris” on jannat planet, and how their beauty never fades, and how their lustful gaze captivates the hearts of the bravest of the fighters, but they never get to meet or see pictures of any. They feel sad about it. Some of the soldiers have in fact boycotted the fight saying that unless they see a proof that of “houris” and “Jannat” for real, they will not fight. A section of the army in fact sat on dharna, inspired by the activist leader of India, Mr. Fekriwal, and demanded proof of “houris” of “Jannat” planet to continue the fight. The morale of the army is at all-time low. With “Jannatyaan” BAIT believes that the morale of the fighters on ground will boost again, once they see the hi-definition pictures of the houris with their lustful smiles and captivating beauty. It will rejuvenate them. It will also confirm that “Jannat” planet is not just an illusion but a reality and it will motivate the fighters to fight to their full strength. With these rejuvenated fighters, BAIT believes that it will capture the entire world and bring the non-believers to justice, especially America and its allies.

In a press conference telecasted live on the popular television channel, the bearded spokesperson of “BAIT” with a black turban, Mr. Bakbakuddin-All-Faiq declared that this is a victory to the faithful. With the exploration of “Jannat” planet, a new era has begun, he claims. Now that the planet has been discovered, BAIT plans to lay air routes directly from the battlefield to the “Jannat” planet. This special air route will be capable of instant transfer of the departed soldiers to “Jannat” planet in a special rocket made just for this, so that the martyred soldiers reach “Jannat” quickly and enjoy with the “houris” and the eternal bliss there in. In fact, just after the news about “Jannatyaan” broke, there was an overwhelming response to participate in this mission from faithful people around the world in anticipation of going to “Jannat”. So much has been the demand that the offices of BAIT are overflowing with applications from candidates around the world. Young and old are equally curious and excited about this “Jannatyaan” mission in general and the “houris” on the “Jannat” planet in particular. The spokesperson of BAIT however categorically stated that, the “Jannat” planet is only permitted to the believers and not to enemies, especially not for Americans, Israelis and Indians since they are non-believers and the enemies of BAIT, the society of believers. As the BAIT spokesperson closed his statements with the press, he praised the lord and slit the throat of a nearby American journalist to prove that BAIT’s words were final and there was no questioning them, when the journalist foolishly tried to question him about the authenticity of this mission. America and its allies have now started to take BAIT seriously, which they earlier ignored as small “bait”. They have realized that BAIT is big bait that has already lured large number of people in its mission.

Applauds and best wishes are flooding in to BAIT’s office from around the world. A grand camel procession stretching from Morocco in the west to Kapistan in the east is organized to celebrate this grand success of BAIT and is to be broadcasted live on television.



India Kumbh Festival

Naga Sadhus at the Mahakumbh

On January 13th, commenced one of the biggest religious congregations in the human history. No, it wasn’t in Vatican, nor was it in Mecca or in Jerusalem.The biggest religious congregation was neither Christian nor of Islamic faith as would be invariably assumed because of the vast number of adherents of both the faiths around several countries in the world. The biggest congregation however was that of adherents of the Hindu faith. Adherents of Hinduism constitute  the third largest religious group in the world with 90 percent living in India. It is also the largest congregation of holy men anywhere in the world. This congregation is called the Mahakumbh. Around 11 Million people gathered for the holy bath on the banks of river Ganges, in Allahabad , India on January 14th alone. Over the next 2 months as many as 100 million people are expected to participate in this humongous congregation.Several thousands coming from countries other than India.

The tradition of Mahakumbh is believed to be  several thousand years old, which delves in the story of the Devas(noble me or gods) and Asuras(demons) who according to Hindu mythology, are believed to have fought for the pitcher of Amruta(nectar), consuming which would make them immortals. In this battle between good and evil, as expected, the Devas  or the noble ones, won. In the course of the fight four drops of nectar fell on four places on earth(apparently all those places were in the Indian subcontinent 🙂 ). The places where the nectar fell is considered holiest of the holy by the Hindus and that is where the holy congregation happens once in every three years to commemorate the victory of good over the evil. The last of the congregation is the fourth Kumbh which is on the twelfth year and is called Mahakumbh( Maha-Mega, Kumbh-Pitcher).


A Sadhu taking bath in Holy Ganges

For the people who know about the Mahakumbh, it is more than just the holy congregation. It is the life time experience of the confluence of the spiritual thoughts that happens at the Kumbh. The real-time experience of Yogic mysticism attracts some people, especially people from western countries eager to learn about eastern religious philosophy. Yet many other curious enthusiasts flock the Kumbh to get glimpse of some of the most unbelievable and some bizarre practices demonstrated by the Sadhus and Yogis (Holy men) like,  lifting blocks of bricks with their genitals, pulling carts with genitals, rolling and twisting the genitals with stick much to the awe of the people. A show of yogic energy to control the sexual energy which forms the basis of sexual tantra. Some perform advanced forms of Yoga postures. It is very common to see naked Sadhus (called Naga Sadhus) with dreadlocks, , smeared with holy ash and vermillion all over their faces and bodies, roaming in thousands and demonstrating their martial arts. I had a chance to talk to a person recently who had once  visited Kumbh when it last happened. One account of his experience was hard to believe. He mentioned that he saw  a Sadhu who sucked a glass of Ghee(clarified butter) with his private part before a group of people. Yes, too bizarre to believe. He said this was a yogic Kriya(process) called Urdhva Rethi, or reversing the order of natural flow of fluids from the body,which is only possible through years of yogic practice and continence.

All the bizarreness and hustle of crowd, the rising decibel that deafen the ears, and all the nakedness  apart, the interesting thing however is to know how several thousand-year old tradition still coexists with the modern world (Just some hundreds of miles apart is Delhi , the urban bustling capital of India). And out of nowhere saffron clad holy men congregate at this place in millions in a short period. The fact that such a long tradition still survives and is growing every passing years is a great example of sustainability. The governmental arrangement to support such a huge crowd, with several million tents, makeshift hospitals, cell phone towers, eateries etc is also a demonstration of incredible mass scale planning. A vast vacant land is suddenly converted into a mega city with millions and millions of people. A Mahakumbh ( Mega Pitcher) of diverse and interesting people indeed.

The Silence Of The Moderates

Malala Yousufzai

MALALA YOUSUFZAI, this name has come to represent, the voice of those millions of innocent girls like her, yearning for peace, freedom and education in the oppressed society governed by evil forces like the Taliban. It is  generally the weaker section of the society, that is the women, which bears the brunt of the male dominated chauvinist ideology. It was not surprising that the Taliban, the dangerous cult that dwells on the core principles of oppression, terrorism, ignorance and hatred imposed ban on the girls from going to school and studying, along with ban on anything that represents a secular free society. On Oct 9, 2012, Malala Yousufzai, the innocent girl, aspiring for education and freedom was attacked by a Taliban gunman in an attempt to assassinate her. Her crime? She was outspoken about the atrocities of the Taliban, She liked freedom, She wanted to go to school, She wanted peace in her loving home land. Ironically, the word “Taliban” means “Students” in Pashto language. What a shame, ones calling themselves “students” do not understand the importance of education. On the contrary, the Taliban claim that their act was justified. This was their statement released to the press in their own words “We did not attack her for raising voice for education. We targeted her for opposing mujahideen and their war. Sharia (Islamic law based on Quran) says that even a child can be killed if he is propagating against Islam.”

Pic courtesy: AP Photo / University Hospitals Birmingham NHS Foundation Trust

The Taliban along with its fascist allies were at the forefront to criticize and call for beheading of the makers of the movie on the Prophet of Islam. What followed since the posting of the movie was widespread violent protests, killings, arson in many  parts of the Muslim world that lasted for more than a month. The so-called moderates were not far in criticizing and expressing their anger on the movie, pouring down in streets around the world. The supposedly moderate and secular government of Pakistan went to the extent of shutting down the whole country in protest of the movie. While there were widespread protests against a cheesy movie (which is not even worthy of mention) on the Prophet of Islam, the heinous act of the Taliban did not receive the same kind of criticism.

Protest in Pakistan against movie "Innocence of muslims"

Image courtesy: Reuters

Why are those moderate voices which roared on the streets to denounce the movie not heard now, when an innocent girl is struggling for her life? Why don’t those voices fill the streets to criticize the abominable acts of the Taliban? Where was the moderate government of Pakistan when the assassins were preparing to attack the poor girl? Except for some candle light vigils and a handful  demonstrations mostly by women activists, there has been no public criticism for this act of violence in Pakistan itself where this happened, let alone other parts of the world. Nor has there been an official criticism of the Taliban by the Pakistani government despite the fact that the Taliban has killed thousands of innocent people in the Swat valley and continues to do so to this day. Once again the Taliban has proved that it is their voice that reverberates stronger than the moderate voices.

Silence of the moderates could only mean, either the moderates agree with the ideology of the Taliban or they are too timid to speak against such ideology. It is the silence of the moderates that gives courage to the tiny minority such as Taliban to exert their ideology over the majority. It is the silence of the moderates that lets a handful fanatics to hijack the faith and use it to suit their evil agenda.When the moderates can come strongly to defend their faith if someone criticizes it, why can’t they come to denounce those who misuse the faith, if they think it is misused?. If the evil has to be eradicated, the moderate voices should resonate, resonate stronger and stronger.

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