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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Nobel Peace Prize announced….. Anna annoyed.

“This cannot be true…. no way…”, mumbled Anna in disbelief, as he woke up to the pricks of of ice cold water sprinkled on his face by his disciples. He had earlier passed out, when he had heard the news flash on TV – “Kailash Satyarthi of India wins the Nobel peace prize.” He stared back at the television through his round glasses adjusting his ironed Topi on head and fanning himself to cool the sweat dripping down his Roopa brand undershirt.

As he stepped out his house to get some cool breeze, and relieve himself of the shock, he was seized by a dozen news reporters and camera men who came to record his reaction on the announcement of the Nobel. Anna declared before the reporters “I’m the true Gandhian and the Nobel belongs to me.The white Gandhi Topi, the Dhoti and the peaceful rallies are all proofs of my simplicity and Gandhian Peace values, you see.” All those Peace dharnas over hundred days, surviving only on cold juices and water, meant nothing to the world; he was furious. The world has been unjust not to notice his peace marches from north to south , just as Gandhi did from west to east in his Langot and stick. He was ANNAoyed.

An unknown man from nowhere, some Satyarthi from Kailash, who doesn’t even wear a topi on head, rest aside winding a dhoti around the waist, gets the Nobel prize for peace, made Anna lose his cool. Anna headed straight to India Gate to protest the injustice meted out to him by the Nobel peace panel. This time on an indefinite dharna with only mineral water, not even orange and apple juice, until the world takes notice and bestows the Nobel prize upon him.

ps: Only pun intended no offence.

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“Jannatyaan” – Mission to Paradise

Kapistan, Upgunistan and Jokistan along with other oil rich countries, envious of India’s success of the Mars orbiter “Mangalyaan” launched their own much awaited satellite called “Jannatyaan”, immediately following the news of Mangalyaan’s launch. “Jannatyaan” will explore the relatively unknown planet called “Jannat”. The “Jannat” planet was first discovered by an ancient Arab scientist and was kept as a close guarded secret until this time, known only to the secret society. While “Mangalyaan” is still to enter the orbit of Mars, it is claimed that “Jannatyaan” has already reached the “Jannat” planet’s orbit in record time, just in a day of its launch. Made from special material that resembles the camel skin and propelled by the rarest and special fuel with an efficiency of one million kilometers per liter and only found in the deserts of Arabia, the “Jannatyaan” is the most fuel efficient, most economical, and most sophisticated satellite to be ever developed in the history of mankind, sources claim.

It had been a long quest for many people faithful to BAIT – the coalition of the secret societies of ”Boko Haram”,“Al Qaida”, “ISIS” the new pioneer in space science and defense, and “Taliban” the society of pure students, to explore the “Jannat” planet that was much talked in the close circles of these secret societies. Now that the secret is being openly revealed to the world, the scientists of BAIT claim that the “Jannat” planet is not part of the solar system, but outside of it and much beyond it. Rotating alone on its own axis, “Jannat” is a secluded, beautiful milky planet, millions of miles away from earth and which the world has not known so far. The planet is abode to several million virgin “houris”, the celestial beauties with large black dove eyes, smooth fair milky skin and beautiful bodies. Rivers of milk and honey and wine and whisky and vodka and some desi daroo flow there in, between trees of dates and almonds and raisins and grapes and walnuts. The virgin “houris” on the planet never age, nor do they go through nature’s cycle, BAIT scientists claim. They are pure as pearl, in the words of the BAIT. The BAIT scientists are proud of their achievement and snob that their mission will cover more than million times the distance “Mangalyaan” would cover and costs one tenth the cost of Mangalyaan. Before “Jannatyaan”, “Mangalyaan” will look inferior, BAIT scientists grin. The “Jannatyaan” is capable of taking Hi-Definition 1080 pixel close-up pictures and videos of the “Jannat” planet and the “houris” and other nature’s beauty there, which “Mangalyaan” cannot. The idea behind using such hi-tech technology for photography on the satellite is to send back pictures of “houris” on “Jannat” planet directly to the cell phones of the soldiers of BAIT, the scientist say. BAIT believes that these pictures will motivate the soldiers of the army division of BAIT, who are fighting the non-believers around the world with a belief that one day they will get to see and meet the “houris” of “Jannat” which they are promised if they fight the non-believers and slay them in the fight. BAIT’s soldiers are presently demotivated because they only get to hear about the dove eyed seductive “houris” on jannat planet, and how their beauty never fades, and how their lustful gaze captivates the hearts of the bravest of the fighters, but they never get to meet or see pictures of any. They feel sad about it. Some of the soldiers have in fact boycotted the fight saying that unless they see a proof that of “houris” and “Jannat” for real, they will not fight. A section of the army in fact sat on dharna, inspired by the activist leader of India, Mr. Fekriwal, and demanded proof of “houris” of “Jannat” planet to continue the fight. The morale of the army is at all-time low. With “Jannatyaan” BAIT believes that the morale of the fighters on ground will boost again, once they see the hi-definition pictures of the houris with their lustful smiles and captivating beauty. It will rejuvenate them. It will also confirm that “Jannat” planet is not just an illusion but a reality and it will motivate the fighters to fight to their full strength. With these rejuvenated fighters, BAIT believes that it will capture the entire world and bring the non-believers to justice, especially America and its allies.

In a press conference telecasted live on the popular television channel, the bearded spokesperson of “BAIT” with a black turban, Mr. Bakbakuddin-All-Faiq declared that this is a victory to the faithful. With the exploration of “Jannat” planet, a new era has begun, he claims. Now that the planet has been discovered, BAIT plans to lay air routes directly from the battlefield to the “Jannat” planet. This special air route will be capable of instant transfer of the departed soldiers to “Jannat” planet in a special rocket made just for this, so that the martyred soldiers reach “Jannat” quickly and enjoy with the “houris” and the eternal bliss there in. In fact, just after the news about “Jannatyaan” broke, there was an overwhelming response to participate in this mission from faithful people around the world in anticipation of going to “Jannat”. So much has been the demand that the offices of BAIT are overflowing with applications from candidates around the world. Young and old are equally curious and excited about this “Jannatyaan” mission in general and the “houris” on the “Jannat” planet in particular. The spokesperson of BAIT however categorically stated that, the “Jannat” planet is only permitted to the believers and not to enemies, especially not for Americans, Israelis and Indians since they are non-believers and the enemies of BAIT, the society of believers. As the BAIT spokesperson closed his statements with the press, he praised the lord and slit the throat of a nearby American journalist to prove that BAIT’s words were final and there was no questioning them, when the journalist foolishly tried to question him about the authenticity of this mission. America and its allies have now started to take BAIT seriously, which they earlier ignored as small “bait”. They have realized that BAIT is big bait that has already lured large number of people in its mission.

Applauds and best wishes are flooding in to BAIT’s office from around the world. A grand camel procession stretching from Morocco in the west to Kapistan in the east is organized to celebrate this grand success of BAIT and is to be broadcasted live on television.

After the election results…

kejri-rahul-modi

kejri owl modi

Several days past the election results ………..

Modi supporters still continue celebrations while Rahul Gandhi is still quizzed, “Why?” even after so many empowering rallies, people failed him. Especially the women whom he had particularly empowered. He feels 10 out of 7 women deceived him. It is difficult for Rahul to understand the “state of mind of women”. He had expected the empowered woman would supply enormous votes to him, just the way they supply enormous milk (in his own words) to Amul factory in Gujarat He is surprised at Modi’s victory even though Modi never empowered any women. He often questions his Mom at dinner table ”How and why Modi?” Rahul plans to take a break and retreat to Columbia where one of his girlfriends, the daughter of the drug lord lives. He has taken oath to stay away from anything which has “bar” in it, like “beer bar”, “dance bar”, “Hookah bar” etc. because it reminds him of “Abki bar….. Modi Sarkar”. The words “Abki bar….Abki bar” have been haunting him since 2 weeks.

It is still hot summer. Kejri babu still has his woolen muffler wrapped around his head and neck. “Aam topi” still adorns his personality. Kejri is again at Jantar Manatar on dharna. This time his dharna is against the people themselves for giving mandate to Modi. A big banner on his back reads  “Sab mile huye hain. Sab chor hain. Janata bhi Modi sey mili hui hai. Hum sangharsh karenge. Hum janata ko bhi harayenge”. Unfortunately this time he is alone since all AAPians are back to their homes, families and jobs which they had left for Kejriwal’s krantikaari andolan. Kejri babu has also started coaching classes on “dharna” and “saaf rajneeti”. Meanwhile Bollywood is taking useful lessons from Kejiriwal about timings of release of new movies. Ramgopal Verma began work on his new movie called “AK49” – Bin goli ka pistol, inspired by Kejriwal. Scheduled to release in 49 days after election, this project will be completed in record time. Actors and actresses will be decided through a mandate from cinema viewers via SMSes and missed calls. RGV plans to offer first 1000 tickets for free. Street jhaduwalas and jhaduwalis are expected to get heavy discount on tickets for the entire period the movie runs in theater. To the jahduwallas’ delight, the theaters will be swept by former AAP karyakartas. “Aam” topis left during election campaign will be given as gift to the movie viewers before leaving the theater. After the sacrifice of Delhi CM seat and falling short only by 270 votes for PM seat, Kejri babu now plans to go global; for the US President’s seat. Off course the modus operandi will still be “dharna”. People close to him have however  cautioned him about the lack of good roads for dharna in USA. And also the risk of such plan on roads, since there are more cars than people on the roads in USA. Also, US drivers are drunk and nasty. We wish him well. Kumar Vishwas is found reciting his poems on streets and squares and thanking people for generous donations they are offering. He hopes to regain the money he had donated for the party during election.

Sonia Gandhi, after 25 long years, finally, cleared the “Prarambhik Hindi Siksha” entrance exam and started her “Hindi” classes. All these years, the responsibility to control and operate Manmohan Singh with a sophisticated remote kept her busy and away from learning Hindi. Also the responsibility towards her favorite son, daughter and damad ji left no time for such extra-curricular activities. But now she has ample time to learn, after losing the elections. In fact, only from the first week’s class, she is able to clearly differentiate between “Bhartiyata” and “Bar Tea Aata”. Less Indians know about her allegiance to “Bar”, her skills in kneading “aata” and making “tea”. She is also able to clearly pronounce “Maut ka saudagar”, instead of  “Mooth Ka Soda Ghar”. The beloved lady has also gained confidence to debate facing people, without burying her face in the notes that her daughter prepares for her.

Meanwhile, Mani Shankar Ayyar is seen in the “Be a Tea expert in a week” classes newly opened in Anna Nagar, Chennai. He realized that he underestimated the power of “Chai”. He now acknowledges that “Making good Tea” is the foundation for making a good PM. Undoubtedly, Mani aspires to be a PM one day and so joined the classes on making “Tea”. He has pledged to make and sell tea to entire Tamil Nadu including daily service to BJP regional offices in Tamil Nadu, until he becomes expert in the art.

Manmohan Singh is finally free from all the wirings running over his body and the switches and sensors that controlled his hands, legs and mouth via remote. Manmohan’s wife had earlier stormed Sonia madam’s house just after the election results and snatched back the remote from her which rightly belonged to her but was illegally taken away by Sonia and used for 10 years. Mannu ji’s wife has smashed the remote so that it does not fall in bad hands again. Mannu ji can finally walk and talk by himselves without the wirings, switches, sensors and remote. Mannu ji is retired in a remote village by the hill, in Punjab. It has been reported by some villagers, who have seen him regularly on top of the hill, his voice very load and finally clearly heard from even 2 miles away, his fist clenched and hands raised in sky, shouting “Sonia mai tumhe nahi chchodunga. Pappu mai mere apmaan ka badla jaroor loonga” Villagers say that he does this exercise daily 10 times and then retires back home and relaxes for the rest of the day.

Mulayam, Laloo, Nitish, Akhilesh, Beni Prasad bought new dhotis and are headed to Varanasi to take a dip in Ganga to wash their campaign time sins. They plan a night visit to the banks of Ganga because of the fear of getting caught by Modi supporters at Varanasi ghats. By the way, Laloo changed his name as promised, that he will do so if Modi becomes PM. He has taken the new name “Chaloo Prasad Yadav”

Shahruk Khan is keeping his promise of leaving India after Modi becomes PM. He is packing his bags to leave to a place unknown. L K Advani still wakes up daily in the morning after dreaming of PM seat. Digvijaya Singh got married a week after election results and is happily settled. N D Tiwari at 88 is ready to welcome his new baby.

Arnab Goswami continues with his debates and rants and his evil plots of calling guest speakers on his show to only let himself speak and question and put his own words in the guest’s mouth and then to conclude that the guest has no answer for his questions. Viewers miss comedians like irritating “Sanjay Jha”, the camel neck “Randeep Surjewala”, the witch faced “Amee Yagnik” on Arnab’s show. Former AAPians now appear on the show since they are the only people available freely after the elections. They feel grateful to Arnab to offer a place to sit in his studio, an alternative to dharna.

Aam janata  is busy again in their life working morning to night to earn their bread. Retired janata still meets at public parks to discuss future politics and to remember the great old days of youth. Children are enjoying sweet “aam” as it is the “mango” season and there is large supply of “aam” in market.

And….. life goes on.

The “End Of The World” that comes and goes

Not so Dear  “End of the World”,

You have been special to many. From the Mayan to the Modern world, you have been the favorite topic of predictions and discussions. You were believed to come from beginning of 2012. Some believed you will come with a devastating avatar and end the world. In distant corner of  California, an evangelist roamed with his huge fancy Van calling people to submit to the lord to be saved because, the world is coming to an end.  From a remote basement of a house, a foolish technocrat developed a website to welcome you with daily account of your expected arrival. A cunning director made lot of money featuring you in a movie, certainly, cashing on the fear of the public.  An enthusiast lady planned a world tour before everything was gone forever. A lazy employee refused to take any more responsibility at work since the world was coming to end anyway and, he had no one to answer to.  Somewhere an innocent teen was depressed that he bought a new iPhone and cannot use it longer. You became the joke of the decade. When someone would plan for future, people would ask “Why do you plan for your future, when the world is coming to an end in 2012?”

We are almost done with 2012 and getting ready for Christmas and holidays. I don’t see any signs of you coming. I do not worry, nor believe that you can ever come. Because I know you are not real but just a feeling that comes and goes all the time. And this feeling comes several times to several people. I just heard from my friend that his world is coming to an end….. (Shhh!!! His girl friend caught him screwing someone else).

Welcome  Christmas , Santa and a bright new year to come shortly 🙂 . Enjoy rest of “End of the World”.

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